This week has brought along a lot of reflection! Reflection of this whole process and reflection of my life and if it will ever be back to normal... What is my new normal? One thing I have stated from the beginning of this is that I will not let cancer beat me or nor define me!
Three emotions that I have been through in the past week. I'm going to start with the GOOD...I have actually been out of my room the last four days. It has been so nice to actually have some energy back..to have an appetite! Yesterday was my only chemo of the week and last Monday was awful...thankfully due to some research I premedicated this week and it made a world of difference. I was actually able to ride in the passenger seat of Tammie's car on the way up. I had been forced to lay down on the way up previously because I was just to sick to sit up. It was do nice riding to Indy with tammie. It reminded me of when our lives were normal. Anybody that knows us knows that we were constantly on the go...to games or vacations. I just wanted tammie to keep driving on 65 maybe not stop in Indy and head up to Chicago like we did a few summers back! Sitting on the beach of lake michigan sounded much better then sitting in my chemo chair. Today I was able to get Braylon out of bed in the morning...something I hadn't been able to do in awhile and this afternoon I got to spend some quality time with him until Tammie got home from work. It's crazy that before this all happened the time in which him and I would be waiting on Tammie to get home from work was usually spent with a lot of apprehension and stress. But today was different. I just wanted time to stand still......today felt normal. To be able to play with my son and not be sick felt wonderful. It almost felt like Bray wanted to make it last as well...he is usually very tired and cranky at this time in the day...not today. He just wanted to laugh..play a little wrestle mania and my personal favorite just hug his dad. He melts my heart and is the reason I can tolerate all that this cancer wants to throw at me. He is definition of all that is GOOD in my life!
The bad? I hate being negative on my blog but I want you to be able to share this journey with me and it would be unfair if I weren't open with you. This has been the hardest week for me emotionally. I'm not really sure why but I just keep thinking about my next long week. I get sick just thinking about it. I can't sleep even though my body is begging me to..... I just can't. My nights are the worse. I just lay in bed and think about everything. My head is just spinning with so much emotion. I haven't gotten sick with this shot this week but I am experiencing more joint and bone pain before. Heat is really messing with me as well.. Showers seen to take their toll as well. I have had to turn back the hot water. The instant fatigue is crazy. I can be fine then it hits and I have to Kay down immediately. It is something. I can't explain. It definitely is BAD!
The sad! This Monday was the official start of the football season with the annual two a days. I can't go to practice right now...just don't have the energy! I missed my first practice in my life yesterday. I miss the boys on the team so much and I feel like I am letting them down by not being there. I am able to watch practice through a computer program but I feel so helpless. I can't be there coaching them up. Having football taken away for a bit has crushed me. I know I am suppose to be there. But my body just won't let me. It's at moments like these I am reminded that I do have this disease.
My hair is starting to fall out and it's doing a number in my mental state. I literally can just pull out globs of hair off my head. I think it's time to shave it off. This aspect has really but the reality check of cancer into my head. I for whatever reason still have a hard time understanding that I have cancer. I know that sounds crazy but it's just the fact that I have never been sick and cancer at 34 was something i never would have dreamed in a million years.
I don't want to end this on a sad note so let's celebrate that I have one cycle down and I'm a third of the way through this horrible experience. I keep telling myself that I am very fortunate to have a positive prognosis and that many of the people that I sit with during my treatments are as fortunate as me. This whole process has really changed my life for the better. I use to get so upset over the littlest things. It didn't matter if it were at school,football, the town crier......it use to bug the crap out of me. This has changed me for the better. I understand now that most of the things that use to bug me don't matter. They really had zero importance in my life. Cancer has allowed me to take a step back and refocus my life. It has shown me what is really important and to enjoy everyday that we are fortunate enough to be here. I wish that it hadn't taken me 34 years to understand that but unfortunately it has taken something like this to prioritize my life. I never took the things that I had been blessed with lightly but I truly appreciate everything more now.
I hope to continue to gain strength the rest of the week and gear up for round 2. I know it's going to be tough but I have to put that gameface back on and attack this thing. Thanks again for all you have done and continue to do. I feel so blessed to have all of you in my life. We will beat this! Just gotta keep my head down and keep moving forward. I hope to update on wednesday of next week.
h
You know, Blair - you don't have to put on a game face for any of us. Don't waste energy on the outward stuff - keep the strength for your inside stuff. We know you're strong- we know you are a fighter. It doesn't matter what the outside looks like now.
ReplyDeleteYou're still you.
Strength and healing energy being sent your way-
B&T
Blair I have been reading this and following your progress and words since I was made aware of your situation. I bet it is a crazy experience. I pray for your recovery brother and I am glad you are able to write about it. I am sure its hard to talk about and be open about but I'm also sure that you keep so much in that it feels good to have a sort of release. Keep up the positive vibes and move forward and beat this.
ReplyDeleteBen Davidson
My name is Diana, I am Cambria Cole's mother. I want you to know that I will be praying for your healing both physical and emotional.I will also be praying for your family. I know what a toll this takes on a person. I was diagnosed with breast cancer July 1, 2010. All of the questions you are asking and things you are feeling are perfectly normal. While I was reading through your blog I just kept saying "yes I remember that" to myself. The chemo brain was horrible. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I couldn't get my daughters ready for school or supper for them when they got home because my body stayed fatigued for about 3 days shortly after chemo.
ReplyDeleteLosing my hair was devastating. After a while I kind of enjoyed not having to worry about having a bad hair day anymore. I was able to joke about my baldness.
I didn't want to share my fears with my family because I didn't want to upset them. If you need someone to help you through this journey please email me at mammabear29@aol.com and I can give you my number then too. Looking back I believe it would have helped me greatly to have had someone to talk to who had been through it already.There is no way of understanding the toll it takes on a person and on a family unless you have experienced it.
I want you to know that it will get better. The hair comes back and the chemo brain leaves.You won't dwell on your fears like you are now. There will even be days when it won't even enter your mind. At times it will just seem like a dream. I am only 2 years out and things are so much better. I can only imagine what it will be like in another 2.
I just found out yesterday that you were writing this blog. I spent last night reading through all of your posts and definitely held my son a little tighter when I put him to bed. One day when Bray is old enough to understand all that you are going through he is going to be proud to have a dad that knows how to "fight like hell". Everybody that knows you realizes how much coaching means to you. As we have talked about on numerous occasions, the best coaches we ever had growing up were the ones that taught us life lessons and gave us perspective in life (even if we did not appreciate it then). By you sharing your journey through this you are teaching your boys life lessons that they will carry with them the rest of their lives. Regardless of the number of practices or games you are able to attend, this will be your greatest season as a coach.
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for your courage to share this journey with all of us! I'm here for you 24/7 if you need me. Keep your head held high and lean on those people closest to you. We are all here to help you through this.
GM
Blair Becky and I have been keeping up on you thru your mom and Dad. You are almost finished with this journey. Your incredible family, your strength and attitude have got you this far. Just wanted you to know we are thinking of you and checking up on you everyday. Keep the faith Van and Becky
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